A snake in the grass…

My secondary love interest in the Saga of EvilPants is turning out to be quite the dastardly bastard.

Initially, he was going to be a soft-hearted, smitten kitten. Right now, he’s attempting to force himself on my FMC while tossing off bon mots about her virtue, before she conks him about the head with his own weapon.

What is this need I have to make everything darker than it has to be? Is it just so I can lean back, sigh and think, “Well, at least I haven’t been imprisoned by a psycho killer who turns out to be my father!”? (Note: this does not actually happen in my WIPs. No need to thank me.)

I don’t know. What I do know is that I plain and simple like writing dark stuff. I’m a pretty cheerful type, so my mom is in for a hilarious surprise if she ever reads one of my books (also, because of the poarn). I like watching my characters fight against impossible odds and lose. Or ‘win’, where a win means surviving, even though everything else has been taken away from them. That’s not to say that every WIP I have is doom and gloom, but advance warning to anyone who will read my stuff at some point: there’s a fair bit of misery in most.

Anyway. Back to Sir M and his wily deception. I’ve struggled with this character more than I did with my FMC and MMC. I wondered what would make the story stronger. A nice, upstanding sort who truly and genuinely loved my heroine, or someone with a hidden agenda? To tell you the truth, I’m still not sure. A nice, upstanding fellow would provide a nice counterweight to Lord EvilPants himself for a while. But the character itself would be less interesting. On the other hand, having two bad guys in the story is intriguing on another level. Lord EvilPants starts out wearing the Pants of Evil with pride, but gradually softens. Sir M starts out wearing the White Pants of Virtue, but gradually his true motives are revealed.

So I could go either way, but I chose the road that would add the most interest along the way. That’s why Emma is currently fighting off a bloke twice her size. You’re welcome, Emma.

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The Hypothetical Adventures of Hot Optician and Near-Sighted Girl.

As you may have guessed from this blog post title, somewhere, out there, a hypothetical optician exists. This hypothetical man is hypothetically super hot. He is also, hypothetically, my optician.

(I keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what I think it means.)

The hotness of said optician is unmistakable. But it’s not his major selling point. In fact, it may not even be in the top ten. Hypothetically, I managed to find a hypothetical man that:

1) Loves dogs. A lot, like myself.
2) Likes comics and impressed upon me the importance of purchasing his favorite comic.
3) Likes mythology and fantasy.
4) Is completely intrigued by my job and my wordsmithery and enjoys smithing words himself.
5) Is kind and thoughtful.
5) Is hilarious.
6) Is intelligent.
7) Is playful.
8) Is, for some reason, totally single.
9) Tells me he loves my style and that I have a classic Chanel look.
10) Miraculously isn’t gay.
11) Is SUPER hot.

Hypothetically, I should pursue the hypothetical crap out of this man. Things that inhibit me:

A) The epic case of shitty love karma I’ve been having ever since I was of dating age. Coming up on twenty dateless years now, peeperoonies. Twenty years without positive feedback from the Other Gender.

–wallowing in self-pity–

Okay, I’m back. Where was I?

B) The epic case of negative self-esteem that I built up thanks to said shitty love karma.

–wallowing in self-pity–

Okay, I’m back. Where was I?

C) The fact that hypothetically, this hypothetical man cannot in good conscience use his hypothetical client database without getting super fired if I decided to complain. Which I wouldn’t, but he doesn’t know that.
D) The fact that I have not yet planted money trees in my backyard, so I cannot keep going back for contacts and glasses and sunglasses and whatnot.
E) Have I mentioned my shitty karma yet? This causes a rejection to occur every time I take any kind of initiative toward dating and/or chatting with a nice dude.

Sadly, I am nothing if not perpetually positive.

Wait, is that hysterical laughter I hear?

So, I devised Plans. Hypothetical, but awesome Plans. These will take into account our shared interests, but hypothetically also have the backdoor I can slip through while crying out, “You’re a bit full of yourself, aren’t you?! You will never get to tap this! Tap YOURSELF! No, not right now! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU PIG!” in case Hypothetical Hot Optician hypothetically feels he should nip my hypothetical budding feelings in the, well, bud.

I am also running out of numbering options. Sorry, Awesome Plans.

– Suggest a dog walk with his and my dogs, since one of my dogs is sick and the other is not getting enough exercise.
– Loan him some of my favorite comics and attach my card to one of the comic books. Presto! Phone number-o!
– Invite him to my hypothetical brother’s CD release party. Hypothetically, he knows my brother personally and is interested in his music.

Edited to add Extra Plan:

– Buy cool movies before dropping by the store and steer the conversation in the direction of watching them.

Unfortunately, only one of these can be applied during visits, to avoid being a creepy fangirl stalker. And that is why I turn to you, hypothetical internet. Help a near-sighted sister out.