As you may have guessed from this blog post title, somewhere, out there, a hypothetical optician exists. This hypothetical man is hypothetically super hot. He is also, hypothetically, my optician.
(I keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what I think it means.)
The hotness of said optician is unmistakable. But it’s not his major selling point. In fact, it may not even be in the top ten. Hypothetically, I managed to find a hypothetical man that:
1) Loves dogs. A lot, like myself.
2) Likes comics and impressed upon me the importance of purchasing his favorite comic.
3) Likes mythology and fantasy.
4) Is completely intrigued by my job and my wordsmithery and enjoys smithing words himself.
5) Is kind and thoughtful.
5) Is hilarious.
6) Is intelligent.
7) Is playful.
8) Is, for some reason, totally single.
9) Tells me he loves my style and that I have a classic Chanel look.
10) Miraculously isn’t gay.
11) Is SUPER hot.
Hypothetically, I should pursue the hypothetical crap out of this man. Things that inhibit me:
A) The epic case of shitty love karma I’ve been having ever since I was of dating age. Coming up on twenty dateless years now, peeperoonies. Twenty years without positive feedback from the Other Gender.
–wallowing in self-pity–
Okay, I’m back. Where was I?
B) The epic case of negative self-esteem that I built up thanks to said shitty love karma.
–wallowing in self-pity–
Okay, I’m back. Where was I?
C) The fact that hypothetically, this hypothetical man cannot in good conscience use his hypothetical client database without getting super fired if I decided to complain. Which I wouldn’t, but he doesn’t know that.
D) The fact that I have not yet planted money trees in my backyard, so I cannot keep going back for contacts and glasses and sunglasses and whatnot.
E) Have I mentioned my shitty karma yet? This causes a rejection to occur every time I take any kind of initiative toward dating and/or chatting with a nice dude.
Sadly, I am nothing if not perpetually positive.
Wait, is that hysterical laughter I hear?
So, I devised Plans. Hypothetical, but awesome Plans. These will take into account our shared interests, but hypothetically also have the backdoor I can slip through while crying out, “You’re a bit full of yourself, aren’t you?! You will never get to tap this! Tap YOURSELF! No, not right now! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU PIG!” in case Hypothetical Hot Optician hypothetically feels he should nip my hypothetical budding feelings in the, well, bud.
I am also running out of numbering options. Sorry, Awesome Plans.
– Suggest a dog walk with his and my dogs, since one of my dogs is sick and the other is not getting enough exercise.
– Loan him some of my favorite comics and attach my card to one of the comic books. Presto! Phone number-o!
– Invite him to my hypothetical brother’s CD release party. Hypothetically, he knows my brother personally and is interested in his music.
Edited to add Extra Plan:
– Buy cool movies before dropping by the store and steer the conversation in the direction of watching them.
Unfortunately, only one of these can be applied during visits, to avoid being a creepy fangirl stalker. And that is why I turn to you, hypothetical internet. Help a near-sighted sister out.
Anya T. Quinn 
aw he sounds loveable! *votes for the dog-walking plan*
A) You’re awesome.
2) You’re hilarious.
Trust me, the cards are stacked waaaaaay in your favor.
Oh, and sweet b-log, 10s. Added to my list of interweb stalkings….uh….followings.
I say you go for kidnapping him off to a date by way of your private army of super-robot ninjas. You have one of those, right?
… oh.
Dog-walking gets my vote, then. Or you could send him a naked singing telegram. Personally. 😀
I think you can combine all these plans into one great masterplan that is bound to not fail.
– Kidnap his dog
– Give him your card with a ransom demanding comics
– Don’t return the dog but give him cool dvd instead
– Organise another exchange at your brother’s CD release party
There he’ll discover not one but four reasons why he should date you:
– His dog has the Stockholm Syndrome
– You like the comics he reads
– You promise him more cool dvds
– If it doesn’t work out with you it might work out with your brother.
I think I may love you. Are you, perchance, Hot Optician?
Ehm well… It depends.
– Would it matter that I’m as good an optician as a stonemason is a dentist?
– Does my dog really have to be a dog? Can’t he be a goldfish with an identity crisis?
– Comics, what do you eat those with?
– Would you mind if I fast forward half the dvd?
– To what sauna does your brother go?
The reason he’s single is because you haven’t asked him out yet. 🙂
I don’t know much about asking people out, but I have a feeling that kidnapping isn’t the… best solution. Not the worst, but not the best. Dog-walking seems good. Ask him if his puppies that have discipline problems. Or, if he’s a comic/fantasy fan, invite him to a hypothetical book club and tell him that your fantasy is him, naked, on his back while you ravish him. That would be totally hot.
*Whistles*
Boy that got awkward fast.
There should only be one plan: Ask him out. Guys go for that kind of thing, and he already seems interested.
No games, just ask him out (if you haven’t already). There is no rule against doctors (of any kind) dating patients.
So, ask him out.
Only twenty years? You lucky thing!
PS: Stalking on AW is for amateurs. 😉