Do’s and Mostly Don’ts of Writing Erotica, a.k.a. Don’t Do These Things If You Want Me To Like Your Smutty Story

I have been silent so long. But no more. This was the last time I spend three bucks on bad pr0n. The. Last. Motherfucking. Time. No more will I be cowed by the masses exclaiming that it’s just pr0n. Because the fact is: it isn’t. It’s pure escapism. It has its rightful place in fiction, just like your more highbrow genres.

So. This past week I’ve read way too much erotica, something that I didn’t think was possible. The following is a list of things that in my opinion cheapen the genre. I write this post with tongue firmly in cheek and don’t mean to cause offense. Although that would be acceptable, since it’ll bring more traffic to my blog. Everybody is of course entitled to their own opinion. And that includes me.

Warning for possible profanity. But seriously, if you are upset by profanity, whyyyyyy are you reading my fucking post on shitty erotica? (Heh. I couldn’t resist.)

But come on, read this. It can’t hurt, can it?

1) Don’t use the male POV to tell us how awesome, smart, funny, brave, whatever, your female MC is. This doesn’t count as showing. This is a thinly disguised telling, and a transparent ploy to avoid having to put actual effort into creating your FMC’s character through her words and actions.

2) If you can’t find a plausible motive for your MC to go along with whatever kinky shenans are proposed, THINK HARDER. Don’t make your MC stupid for the sake of pr0n, for fuck’s sake.

3) Go easy on the male compliments during and before sex. Of course you can use compliments, but having the male MC laud everything about the female MC in ridiculous superlatives removes every bit of tension from the scene, and I dare say from your story. Also, for reality’s sake: the only thing on a man’s mind when he’s close to receiving nookie is “BOOBIES OMG!”

4) Related to number 3: Avoid Irresistibility Syndrome, in which all of the male characters want to fuck and/or be in a relationship with your FMC. In all fairness, many stories suffer from this, not just erotica. But jesusfuck, people, we are supposed to identify with your MC. No one is irresistible. No one.

5) Another one related to 3 and 4: Don’t make your FMC unbelievably beautiful unless there’s a good reason for her to be. Maybe she’s a beauty queen, maybe she’s a model or an actress. Again, we are supposed to identify with her. Good luck getting me to identify with someone whose beauty is described as “exquisite” or similar words. Sure, your MCs can be pretty, they can be beautiful. We’ve all felt beautiful at some point, so we all know that feeling. But “exquisite beauty”? Gimme a break. You’re not empowering this woman. You are degrading her. She’s a human being with real thoughts and emotions, not an object. In addition to this, increasing the beauty of your FMC to preposterous levels will not make your story sexier. Instead, it will make it less accessible.

6) If you insist on an exquisitely beautiful FMC, for the love of unicycles, don’t make her unaware of how stunningly gorgeous she is. Unless she has obvious mental issues that prevent her awareness, it doesn’t make her likeable. It makes her come across as disingenuous, dumb as a post and just plain unbelievable.

7) Dirty talk is fine. Just make it flow organically. If you don’t know how, try to read your dialogue out loud at the appropriate times when you next have sex. Does it roll easily off the tongue in the heat of the moment? Keep it. The rest: BURN IT WITH FIRE.

8) Last, but perhaps most importantly: remember that while your story may be erotica, it is still a story. It still needs well-rounded, consistent, likeable characters, a fleshed-out plot, believable interactions and for the love of fuck, decent editing.

Bottom line is: like I said above, pr0n is escapism. If a story set in the real world doesn’t feel real, sorry, but I’m not going to get caught up in it. I (and many others) like flawed characters, characters that can pull us in. Flawed women, real women, that despite their flaws get to have hot sex with equally hot (but flawed!) dudes. Now if everybody would just listen to me, that would be peachy.

With that said: bone, bonk and shag away, people!

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Today is Release Day for A Spank In Time!

Here, have a moment with one of its characters!

In honor of Blushing Mischief’s ‘A Spank In Time’s’ release day, we thought we would give you a little look into just who you’ll find within its pages of delight.

Meet Lord Alexander Townshend, Marquis of Winchester, a true nobleman with a kinky bent to his character. I’ve sacrificed an afternoon of my life to step into a time machine back to the early 1600s to chat with Alex. The things I do for my readers. You’re welcome.

Lord Winchester’s manservant, a waifish young man named Mark, guides me to the Marquis’s chambers. I am intimidated by the vastness of the castle, and even more so by the towering man standing up from his ornate chair when I enter. When nervous, I default to cheerful, and when cheerful, I blurt stuff out.

  • Hi, Alexander! Nice pad. May I call you Alex?

Pad? He shakes his head. A corner of his mouth quirks up when he takes me in. Good afternoon, fair lady. You may call me Milord.

  • What or who is the greatest love of your life… milord?

That position is still vacant. As a single nobleman, I’d have to say my castle and lands occupy a great deal of acreage in my heart. I’m also exceedingly fond of my collection of crops and whips. Most useful, they are.

  • What is your most marked characteristic?

Without wishing to sound conceited, my appearance is pleasing to the eye. My personality traits… Now that is an entirely different matter. I invite you to find out.

Lord Winchester’s gaze roams over my body and he smirks. I shift and eye the half-open chest that houses his aforementioned collection of crops and whips. Is it hot in here? 

  • What is your greatest regret?

I have none.

  • Which talent would you most like to have?

I am not lacking in any area, Miss Quinn. Again, I invite you to find out for yourself.

  • What is the quality you most like in a man?

Courage.

  • What is the quality you most like in a woman?

He tilts his head and smiles a little, as if losing himself in thought. I tap with my pen on my notepad to draw his attention.

Curves. A round bottom and small waist. I have a peculiar preference for the female backside.

  • What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Perhaps my lack of inhibition, though I feel it has brought me many good things in the past.

  • What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity. And you, Miss Quinn?

  • That is… I don’t want to say irrelevant, because I’m hoping this afternoon will take a turn for the sexy. But let’s focus on my… kinda boring questions first. On what occasions do you lie?

A man in my position doesn’t have to lie, Miss Quinn.

He pauses, reconsiders. 

Recently, I’ve set up quite an expedient situation for myself. A lie or two by omission was required. I’m not proud of it, but the fruits of my labors are sweet.

  •  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Perhaps it would be convenient to have less specific predilections.

He smiles again, wide and charming, and stands up, extending his hand.

But that would make life dreadfully boring, wouldn’t it? Would you join me for a… walk around the premises?

I swallow hard. My pen feels awkward in my fingers, so I stuff it in my purse. I have time. Nobody is expecting me back. Reaching a decision, I stand up and take his hand, much larger than mine. 

I’ll be back. At some point.

To find out more about the stories in this hot and gorgeous anthology, follow the links below for more interviews from my fellow Blushing Mischief authors:

P.J. Perryman     A.C. Masterson     Jill Glass

Sadie Dane     Sara Peal

And without further ado, published by Blushing Books and written by Blushing Mischief’s group of talented authors, we present to you, A Spank In Time.

Now available at Blushing Books! Click the cover for poarn!