Do’s and Mostly Don’ts of Writing Erotica, a.k.a. Don’t Do These Things If You Want Me To Like Your Smutty Story

I have been silent so long. But no more. This was the last time I spend three bucks on bad pr0n. The. Last. Motherfucking. Time. No more will I be cowed by the masses exclaiming that it’s just pr0n. Because the fact is: it isn’t. It’s pure escapism. It has its rightful place in fiction, just like your more highbrow genres.

So. This past week I’ve read way too much erotica, something that I didn’t think was possible. The following is a list of things that in my opinion cheapen the genre. I write this post with tongue firmly in cheek and don’t mean to cause offense. Although that would be acceptable, since it’ll bring more traffic to my blog. Everybody is of course entitled to their own opinion. And that includes me.

Warning for possible profanity. But seriously, if you are upset by profanity, whyyyyyy are you reading my fucking post on shitty erotica? (Heh. I couldn’t resist.)

But come on, read this. It can’t hurt, can it?

1) Don’t use the male POV to tell us how awesome, smart, funny, brave, whatever, your female MC is. This doesn’t count as showing. This is a thinly disguised telling, and a transparent ploy to avoid having to put actual effort into creating your FMC’s character through her words and actions.

2) If you can’t find a plausible motive for your MC to go along with whatever kinky shenans are proposed, THINK HARDER. Don’t make your MC stupid for the sake of pr0n, for fuck’s sake.

3) Go easy on the male compliments during and before sex. Of course you can use compliments, but having the male MC laud everything about the female MC in ridiculous superlatives removes every bit of tension from the scene, and I dare say from your story. Also, for reality’s sake: the only thing on a man’s mind when he’s close to receiving nookie is “BOOBIES OMG!”

4) Related to number 3: Avoid Irresistibility Syndrome, in which all of the male characters want to fuck and/or be in a relationship with your FMC. In all fairness, many stories suffer from this, not just erotica. But jesusfuck, people, we are supposed to identify with your MC. No one is irresistible. No one.

5) Another one related to 3 and 4: Don’t make your FMC unbelievably beautiful unless there’s a good reason for her to be. Maybe she’s a beauty queen, maybe she’s a model or an actress. Again, we are supposed to identify with her. Good luck getting me to identify with someone whose beauty is described as “exquisite” or similar words. Sure, your MCs can be pretty, they can be beautiful. We’ve all felt beautiful at some point, so we all know that feeling. But “exquisite beauty”? Gimme a break. You’re not empowering this woman. You are degrading her. She’s a human being with real thoughts and emotions, not an object. In addition to this, increasing the beauty of your FMC to preposterous levels will not make your story sexier. Instead, it will make it less accessible.

6) If you insist on an exquisitely beautiful FMC, for the love of unicycles, don’t make her unaware of how stunningly gorgeous she is. Unless she has obvious mental issues that prevent her awareness, it doesn’t make her likeable. It makes her come across as disingenuous, dumb as a post and just plain unbelievable.

7) Dirty talk is fine. Just make it flow organically. If you don’t know how, try to read your dialogue out loud at the appropriate times when you next have sex. Does it roll easily off the tongue in the heat of the moment? Keep it. The rest: BURN IT WITH FIRE.

8) Last, but perhaps most importantly: remember that while your story may be erotica, it is still a story. It still needs well-rounded, consistent, likeable characters, a fleshed-out plot, believable interactions and for the love of fuck, decent editing.

Bottom line is: like I said above, pr0n is escapism. If a story set in the real world doesn’t feel real, sorry, but I’m not going to get caught up in it. I (and many others) like flawed characters, characters that can pull us in. Flawed women, real women, that despite their flaws get to have hot sex with equally hot (but flawed!) dudes. Now if everybody would just listen to me, that would be peachy.

With that said: bone, bonk and shag away, people!

Today is Release Day for A Spank In Time!

Here, have a moment with one of its characters!

In honor of Blushing Mischief’s ‘A Spank In Time’s’ release day, we thought we would give you a little look into just who you’ll find within its pages of delight.

Meet Lord Alexander Townshend, Marquis of Winchester, a true nobleman with a kinky bent to his character. I’ve sacrificed an afternoon of my life to step into a time machine back to the early 1600s to chat with Alex. The things I do for my readers. You’re welcome.

Lord Winchester’s manservant, a waifish young man named Mark, guides me to the Marquis’s chambers. I am intimidated by the vastness of the castle, and even more so by the towering man standing up from his ornate chair when I enter. When nervous, I default to cheerful, and when cheerful, I blurt stuff out.

  • Hi, Alexander! Nice pad. May I call you Alex?

Pad? He shakes his head. A corner of his mouth quirks up when he takes me in. Good afternoon, fair lady. You may call me Milord.

  • What or who is the greatest love of your life… milord?

That position is still vacant. As a single nobleman, I’d have to say my castle and lands occupy a great deal of acreage in my heart. I’m also exceedingly fond of my collection of crops and whips. Most useful, they are.

  • What is your most marked characteristic?

Without wishing to sound conceited, my appearance is pleasing to the eye. My personality traits… Now that is an entirely different matter. I invite you to find out.

Lord Winchester’s gaze roams over my body and he smirks. I shift and eye the half-open chest that houses his aforementioned collection of crops and whips. Is it hot in here? 

  • What is your greatest regret?

I have none.

  • Which talent would you most like to have?

I am not lacking in any area, Miss Quinn. Again, I invite you to find out for yourself.

  • What is the quality you most like in a man?

Courage.

  • What is the quality you most like in a woman?

He tilts his head and smiles a little, as if losing himself in thought. I tap with my pen on my notepad to draw his attention.

Curves. A round bottom and small waist. I have a peculiar preference for the female backside.

  • What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Perhaps my lack of inhibition, though I feel it has brought me many good things in the past.

  • What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity. And you, Miss Quinn?

  • That is… I don’t want to say irrelevant, because I’m hoping this afternoon will take a turn for the sexy. But let’s focus on my… kinda boring questions first. On what occasions do you lie?

A man in my position doesn’t have to lie, Miss Quinn.

He pauses, reconsiders. 

Recently, I’ve set up quite an expedient situation for myself. A lie or two by omission was required. I’m not proud of it, but the fruits of my labors are sweet.

  •  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Perhaps it would be convenient to have less specific predilections.

He smiles again, wide and charming, and stands up, extending his hand.

But that would make life dreadfully boring, wouldn’t it? Would you join me for a… walk around the premises?

I swallow hard. My pen feels awkward in my fingers, so I stuff it in my purse. I have time. Nobody is expecting me back. Reaching a decision, I stand up and take his hand, much larger than mine. 

I’ll be back. At some point.

To find out more about the stories in this hot and gorgeous anthology, follow the links below for more interviews from my fellow Blushing Mischief authors:

P.J. Perryman     A.C. Masterson     Jill Glass

Sadie Dane     Sara Peal

And without further ado, published by Blushing Books and written by Blushing Mischief’s group of talented authors, we present to you, A Spank In Time.

Now available at Blushing Books! Click the cover for poarn!

Tagged by the wonderful and hilarious Patti for the WIP Blog Hop. I am honored!

Here are the rules:

Give credit to the person/blog that tagged you.

Post the rules for this hop.

Answer these ten questions about your current WIP (Work In Progress) on your blog.

Tag five other writers/bloggers and add their links so we can hop over and meet them.

1. What is the working title of your book?

The Saga of EvilPants. I’ve been figuring out the real title and it’s going to be something like Yield to the Thorns.

2. What genre does the book fall under?

Historical ‘romance’, erotica

3. Which actors would you choose to play your characters for the movie rendition?

I really don’t know. Their image is so vivid in my mind that I can’t find actors to suit them perfectly.

However, lately I like Henry Cavill for Lord EvilPants, though he is not manly and evil enough (sorry Henry) and a bit too young:

Image

For Emma, I kind of like Jane Levy, because she’s pretty and witty:

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And I’m nowhere near figuring out any of the supporting roles 🙂

4. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

In England in the 1600s, a young woman is forced into a marriage with a vengeful nobleman and must submit to his depraved desires. (Shenanigans do ensue.)

5. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I hope to get an agent. Self-publishing is not completely out of the question, but I would like EvilPants to be all official ‘n stuff.

6. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

About a year. There used to be months that I didn’t have time to write because of work and other obligations, so I was fairly proud of this achievement. Now I’ve found a way to keep up the wordcount on a daily basis, so yay.

7. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

I haven’t the slightest. I haven’t read much in this genre. My preferred genre is fantasy, but this just rollllled on out.

8. Who or what inspired you to write this book?

My love for all things history, but especially my adoration for evil men and innocent maidens. Like Joey from Friends used to say (about the Xerox girl butt naked and a big tub of jam): “Put your hands together.”

9. What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Strong, layered characters and an emotional plot. Also, all the poarn. All of it.

Question #10

Tag, you’re it!

These are my ‘tags’ (will be updated with blog links):

@kitiandra

@justbishop

@jmc_writing

@cobramisfit

@jmsloderbeck

Hoo boy. It’s …

Hoo boy. It’s been a while since I last updated. Stuff that happened:

I finished the Saga of EvilPants EFF YEAH!

Well, the first draft. It needs an added scene and I need to elaborate on one, uh, thing. Am halfway through the scene that needs adding. Right now, on schedule to finish revising by my b-day (end of October). 

Other writey things: I’m writing two shorts for an anthology I’m doing with friends. Am intimidated by the level of awesome they have created.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have words to word or whatever. (TM Ali.)

A snake in the grass…

My secondary love interest in the Saga of EvilPants is turning out to be quite the dastardly bastard.

Initially, he was going to be a soft-hearted, smitten kitten. Right now, he’s attempting to force himself on my FMC while tossing off bon mots about her virtue, before she conks him about the head with his own weapon.

What is this need I have to make everything darker than it has to be? Is it just so I can lean back, sigh and think, “Well, at least I haven’t been imprisoned by a psycho killer who turns out to be my father!”? (Note: this does not actually happen in my WIPs. No need to thank me.)

I don’t know. What I do know is that I plain and simple like writing dark stuff. I’m a pretty cheerful type, so my mom is in for a hilarious surprise if she ever reads one of my books (also, because of the poarn). I like watching my characters fight against impossible odds and lose. Or ‘win’, where a win means surviving, even though everything else has been taken away from them. That’s not to say that every WIP I have is doom and gloom, but advance warning to anyone who will read my stuff at some point: there’s a fair bit of misery in most.

Anyway. Back to Sir M and his wily deception. I’ve struggled with this character more than I did with my FMC and MMC. I wondered what would make the story stronger. A nice, upstanding sort who truly and genuinely loved my heroine, or someone with a hidden agenda? To tell you the truth, I’m still not sure. A nice, upstanding fellow would provide a nice counterweight to Lord EvilPants himself for a while. But the character itself would be less interesting. On the other hand, having two bad guys in the story is intriguing on another level. Lord EvilPants starts out wearing the Pants of Evil with pride, but gradually softens. Sir M starts out wearing the White Pants of Virtue, but gradually his true motives are revealed.

So I could go either way, but I chose the road that would add the most interest along the way. That’s why Emma is currently fighting off a bloke twice her size. You’re welcome, Emma.

The Hypothetical Adventures of Hot Optician and Near-Sighted Girl.

As you may have guessed from this blog post title, somewhere, out there, a hypothetical optician exists. This hypothetical man is hypothetically super hot. He is also, hypothetically, my optician.

(I keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what I think it means.)

The hotness of said optician is unmistakable. But it’s not his major selling point. In fact, it may not even be in the top ten. Hypothetically, I managed to find a hypothetical man that:

1) Loves dogs. A lot, like myself.
2) Likes comics and impressed upon me the importance of purchasing his favorite comic.
3) Likes mythology and fantasy.
4) Is completely intrigued by my job and my wordsmithery and enjoys smithing words himself.
5) Is kind and thoughtful.
5) Is hilarious.
6) Is intelligent.
7) Is playful.
8) Is, for some reason, totally single.
9) Tells me he loves my style and that I have a classic Chanel look.
10) Miraculously isn’t gay.
11) Is SUPER hot.

Hypothetically, I should pursue the hypothetical crap out of this man. Things that inhibit me:

A) The epic case of shitty love karma I’ve been having ever since I was of dating age. Coming up on twenty dateless years now, peeperoonies. Twenty years without positive feedback from the Other Gender.

–wallowing in self-pity–

Okay, I’m back. Where was I?

B) The epic case of negative self-esteem that I built up thanks to said shitty love karma.

–wallowing in self-pity–

Okay, I’m back. Where was I?

C) The fact that hypothetically, this hypothetical man cannot in good conscience use his hypothetical client database without getting super fired if I decided to complain. Which I wouldn’t, but he doesn’t know that.
D) The fact that I have not yet planted money trees in my backyard, so I cannot keep going back for contacts and glasses and sunglasses and whatnot.
E) Have I mentioned my shitty karma yet? This causes a rejection to occur every time I take any kind of initiative toward dating and/or chatting with a nice dude.

Sadly, I am nothing if not perpetually positive.

Wait, is that hysterical laughter I hear?

So, I devised Plans. Hypothetical, but awesome Plans. These will take into account our shared interests, but hypothetically also have the backdoor I can slip through while crying out, “You’re a bit full of yourself, aren’t you?! You will never get to tap this! Tap YOURSELF! No, not right now! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU PIG!” in case Hypothetical Hot Optician hypothetically feels he should nip my hypothetical budding feelings in the, well, bud.

I am also running out of numbering options. Sorry, Awesome Plans.

– Suggest a dog walk with his and my dogs, since one of my dogs is sick and the other is not getting enough exercise.
– Loan him some of my favorite comics and attach my card to one of the comic books. Presto! Phone number-o!
– Invite him to my hypothetical brother’s CD release party. Hypothetically, he knows my brother personally and is interested in his music.

Edited to add Extra Plan:

– Buy cool movies before dropping by the store and steer the conversation in the direction of watching them.

Unfortunately, only one of these can be applied during visits, to avoid being a creepy fangirl stalker. And that is why I turn to you, hypothetical internet. Help a near-sighted sister out.

My process, let me show you it.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about their writing process. I… don’t really have one. Recently, I did outline my three main WIPs and distilled a process from that.

So, without further ado: my easy seven step guide to writing a successful* paranormal romance.

* = success rate not yet tested.

First, you create a timeline. And no, I have no idea why it’s not neatly in the middle of the paper. It was when I drew it. You’ll see.

Second, you add the story arc. The quest, if you will.

Then, you add the relationship progress throughout the novel.

Fourth, you add vague plot details, to be filled in later.

But you’re not done yet. You need conflict. Conflict, obviously, needs a red pen.

I said seven steps, didn’t I? For the sixth step, you add deaths. No paranormal romance is complete without heart-wrenching deaths.

Finally, and most importantly, you add dirty poarn in crucial places. Because the best poarn is dirty contains character development.

See? Easy peasy. I know, it’s a wonder I’m not published yet. No need to thank me, I’m doing this out of kindness.