Whoa, dude.

So, I just realized it’s been over a year since I posted my last blog post.

A lot of things happened in the past year, most of them fairly to very shitty. It’s been bad, ‘s what I’m trying to say, to the point where I’m just hanging on from day to day hoping a ray of light will break through.

Uh. Yes. Also, I get a little bit carried away being gloomy sometimes.

Meanwhile, I finally finished the EvilPants edits and am working on a query. I just need to find time to streamline it. Work is not helping.

I also started a new WIP since my last blog post (WHERE DOES THE TIME GO). In fact, that one’s at 89K and I’m aiming for 100. I’ll toss up a discussion of that one later.

So, for those brave troopers who are still reading this, I AM STILL ALIVE. HI.

Do’s and Mostly Don’ts of Writing Erotica, a.k.a. Don’t Do These Things If You Want Me To Like Your Smutty Story

I have been silent so long. But no more. This was the last time I spend three bucks on bad pr0n. The. Last. Motherfucking. Time. No more will I be cowed by the masses exclaiming that it’s just pr0n. Because the fact is: it isn’t. It’s pure escapism. It has its rightful place in fiction, just like your more highbrow genres.

So. This past week I’ve read way too much erotica, something that I didn’t think was possible. The following is a list of things that in my opinion cheapen the genre. I write this post with tongue firmly in cheek and don’t mean to cause offense. Although that would be acceptable, since it’ll bring more traffic to my blog. Everybody is of course entitled to their own opinion. And that includes me.

Warning for possible profanity. But seriously, if you are upset by profanity, whyyyyyy are you reading my fucking post on shitty erotica? (Heh. I couldn’t resist.)

But come on, read this. It can’t hurt, can it?

1) Don’t use the male POV to tell us how awesome, smart, funny, brave, whatever, your female MC is. This doesn’t count as showing. This is a thinly disguised telling, and a transparent ploy to avoid having to put actual effort into creating your FMC’s character through her words and actions.

2) If you can’t find a plausible motive for your MC to go along with whatever kinky shenans are proposed, THINK HARDER. Don’t make your MC stupid for the sake of pr0n, for fuck’s sake.

3) Go easy on the male compliments during and before sex. Of course you can use compliments, but having the male MC laud everything about the female MC in ridiculous superlatives removes every bit of tension from the scene, and I dare say from your story. Also, for reality’s sake: the only thing on a man’s mind when he’s close to receiving nookie is “BOOBIES OMG!”

4) Related to number 3: Avoid Irresistibility Syndrome, in which all of the male characters want to fuck and/or be in a relationship with your FMC. In all fairness, many stories suffer from this, not just erotica. But jesusfuck, people, we are supposed to identify with your MC. No one is irresistible. No one.

5) Another one related to 3 and 4: Don’t make your FMC unbelievably beautiful unless there’s a good reason for her to be. Maybe she’s a beauty queen, maybe she’s a model or an actress. Again, we are supposed to identify with her. Good luck getting me to identify with someone whose beauty is described as “exquisite” or similar words. Sure, your MCs can be pretty, they can be beautiful. We’ve all felt beautiful at some point, so we all know that feeling. But “exquisite beauty”? Gimme a break. You’re not empowering this woman. You are degrading her. She’s a human being with real thoughts and emotions, not an object. In addition to this, increasing the beauty of your FMC to preposterous levels will not make your story sexier. Instead, it will make it less accessible.

6) If you insist on an exquisitely beautiful FMC, for the love of unicycles, don’t make her unaware of how stunningly gorgeous she is. Unless she has obvious mental issues that prevent her awareness, it doesn’t make her likeable. It makes her come across as disingenuous, dumb as a post and just plain unbelievable.

7) Dirty talk is fine. Just make it flow organically. If you don’t know how, try to read your dialogue out loud at the appropriate times when you next have sex. Does it roll easily off the tongue in the heat of the moment? Keep it. The rest: BURN IT WITH FIRE.

8) Last, but perhaps most importantly: remember that while your story may be erotica, it is still a story. It still needs well-rounded, consistent, likeable characters, a fleshed-out plot, believable interactions and for the love of fuck, decent editing.

Bottom line is: like I said above, pr0n is escapism. If a story set in the real world doesn’t feel real, sorry, but I’m not going to get caught up in it. I (and many others) like flawed characters, characters that can pull us in. Flawed women, real women, that despite their flaws get to have hot sex with equally hot (but flawed!) dudes. Now if everybody would just listen to me, that would be peachy.

With that said: bone, bonk and shag away, people!